 | #1722 Drink too much coffee
You`re Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .
1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. You ski uphill.
3. You get a speeding ticket even when you`re parked.
4. You speed walk... |
| #1721 Dogs not on computers
Can,t stick their heads out of Windows ,95.
Fetch command not available on all platforms.
Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
Too difficult to "mark" every we... |
| #1720 Bad hostage negotiator
Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quic... |
| #1719 Things dad won`t say
Well, how ,bout that?...I,m lost! Looks like we,ll have to stop and ask for directions.
You know Pumpkin, now that you,re thirteen, you,ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won,t that be fun?... |
| #1717 You are stressed when
1.You can achieve a "Runner,s High" by sitting up.
2.The Sun is too loud.
3.Trees begin to chase you.
4.You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso... |
| #1715 Recalled Chrstimas toys
Broken Bag-O-Glass
Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
Switchblade Barney
Pork-n-Beany Babies
... |
| #1714 Having a very bad day
You Know You,re Having a Bad Day When...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell,s Angels motorcyclists.
You,ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your ... |
| #1713 Never hear women say
Things You,ll Never Hear A Woman Say
What do you mean today,s our anniversary?
Can we not talk to each other tonight? I,d rather just watch TV.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!... |
| #1712 Never hear a man say 01
Things You,ll Never Hear A Man Say:
Here honey, you use the remote.
You know, I,d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That,s... |
| #1711 McDonalds food ideas
Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:
Chicken McBobbitts
Salmon McNella
Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
Shirley McLean Burger
McMenudo
Filet o, Gefilte Fish
Way ... |
| #1710 Commercial Christmas
Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial
You don,t recall that line from It,s A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N... |
| #1709 Signs the car is a lemon
Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
Two Words: Po... |
| #1708 Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv th... |
| #1707 Things Learned From Children
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread ... |
| #1706 Twenty Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it,s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman... |
