 | #720 Steven Wright 21
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I`ll let you have the pen!
What do batteries run on?
Are there any questions?
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had ... |
| #719 Steven Wright 20
had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
How young can you die of old age?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going t... |
| #717 Steven Wright 19
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
I we... |
| #716 Steven Wright 18
have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I`m home now. But leave a message and I`ll call when I`m out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile..... |
| #714 Steven Wright 17
For a while I didn,t have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [Slow glance upward.]
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my ca... |
| #713 Steven Wright 16
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I washed mud, off of mud.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blen... |
| #712 Steven Wright 15
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."
I broke my arm trying to fol... |
| #711 Steven Wright 14
once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turne... |
| #710 Steven Wright 13
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses sta... |
| #709 Steven Wright 12
If you`re not part of the solution, you`re part of the precipitate.
[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don`t trust anybody!
They say we,re 98% water.... |
| #708 Steven Wright 11
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It`s in the apartment somewhere.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats alw... |
| #707 Steven Wright 10
So I figured I`d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn,t into meditating and she wasn,t really into being al... |
| #706 Steven Wright 09
What`s another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff`s Notes. It all star... |
| #705 Steven Wright 08
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don`t think so... he`s only 2 months old." I said, "I`ll wait."
I... |
| #704 Steven Wright 07
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don,t get it...
I have a microwave fireplace in my house . . . The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two ... |
