 | #748 Robert Schmidt 09
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn,t. It just eats another hummingbird.
I bought ... |
| #745 Robert Schmidt 08
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I,ll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
I spent all my... |
| #744 Robert Schmidt 07
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don`t I know you?"
Las... |
| #743 Robert Schmidt 06
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader,s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I fo... |
| #742 Robert Schmidt 05
Droughts are because God didn,t pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I ch... |
| #741 Robert Schmidt 04
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I,ll need some friends".
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I ... |
| #740 Robert Schmidt 03
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn,t see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wa... |
| #739 Robert Schmidt 02
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn,t go up the stairs.
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
The sky is falling... No, I,m tipping over backwards.
The sky already fell.... |
| #738 Robert Schmidt 01
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don,t know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do ... |
| #728 Steven Wright 27
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can,t stop thinking like this.
This isn,t all true.
You know how it is when you,re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there,s one... |
| #727 Steven Wright 26
All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV w... |
| #725 Steven Wright 25
Steven Wright 25
I wrote a few children,s books... Not on purpose.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I installed... |
| #723 Steven Wright 24
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Th... |
| #722 Steven Wright 23
had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
I stayed up all night playing p... |
| #721 Steven Wright 22
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy,... |
